Discouraged in extremis

Standard

We’ve just had a call from the fellow who organizes the flexible tuition committee at the school we really wanted (nope: I really wanted) Akiva to attend.  He talked at some length with Bill about his prospects and “where our family is headed.”  He talked with me a few minutes as well, asking whether I was planning to get a job.  I told him I want to do so as necessary, after the baby is done nursing, and that I currently have a couple of jobs which are compatible with continuing to nurse.  After the call, Bill and I agreed that it doesn’t look good.  The tuition there is expensive, and we can only afford to pledge a fraction of it.

They are supposed to get back to us officially sometime next week, but I am already trying to dismantle any hopes for it to work out.  It’s really not bloody likely.

I’m having a hard time with not crying the rest of the day.  I really loved this school.  Every time I went there, with Akiva or without, I felt like it was home.  It just felt like our place.  He’d met several teachers there and explored the hallways looking at the kids’ art projects and sat rapt as the klezmer band rehearsed.

If you are tempted at this moment to comment about how great the Newton Public Schools are, please sit on your hands.  I know the alternative is fine.  But it’s not what I want, and letting go of the notion of Akiva’s going to JCDS is letting go of quite a lot of dreams I’ve held close, even from before we lost our money.  It’s going to take me some time.

And of course this latest setback comes within the context of simmering discord.  I’m having to ask myself whether we’d have made a better impression on the committee if (how shall I put this gently?) one of us had gone out and gotten a job — any job — as a show of good faith effort.  Nursing baby aside, I now realize that person should have been me.  Or could have.

Bill has been meeting with a guy for several weeks now about a prospect, which seems to be moving forward.  It is a sales job in a field Bill loves and has a lot of knowledge about.  Commission-based, though.  No salary.  Full-time.  I’m calling it gainless employment.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Discouraged in extremis

  1. Oh, friend. I’m sorry. You sound so very disappointed, even without knowing for sure what’s going to happen.

    One question: if Akiva doesn’t go there for kindergarten, does that mean he can’t ever transfer in? What about first grade, or second?

    I don’t even know what else to say, except that you did go out and get a church job, which has turned into a more significant job for the summer, right? And it’s not like jobs are just growing on trees these days.

    Whatever happens, you will handle it, individually and as a family. You will. And Akiva will thrive, wherever he goes to school.

    Hang in there, friend. Coffee’s on me next week.

  2. Stephanie

    Dearest Naomi,
    This totally sucks. completely. let’s just agree on that.
    I’m sorry this is happening to you guys, and even though I know you’ll make it through and be stronger for it, it must be frightening. I wish I was around more to actually physically support you. I hope you know I send a lot of love your way on a regular basis. Obviously my experience is not the same as Akiva’s will be, but hey, I turned out alright, so i figure Akiva is way ahead of the game just by having two incredible parents who can love him their very best, which is always enough.

    I know you don’t like phone calls but I am a good listener and you know my number ( hint)

    Again, MUCH LOVE,
    stephanie

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s