Keep going, keep going


The kindergarten adjustment continues.  Akiva loves his school and is learning like mad.  He comes home with stories and questions and Hebrew words and songs and surprises.  (He liked Israeli dancing, now there’s a surprise.) Sometimes he shocks me with his solicitude and helpfulness.  Sometimes he shocks me with how dreadful he can be.

He’s trying stuff on.

It’s a long school day, and we are all adjusting gradually to this new dynamic.  Gideon is bereft to be without his constant companion of the summer, but he is glad to have more of me.  Akiva is thrilled to have so much activity, but he misses having close, cozy time with me.  I am glad to have a chance to get to know Gideon — glad to have the mornings for walking where he wants to walk and reading what he wants to read, but I miss Akiva all those long hours he is away.  I am glad to see Akiva learning and growing in ways I could not facilitate for him at home, but I don’t like being so much on a schedule.  I feel like I’m constantly watching the clock and pushing the kids on from what we’re doing to whatever’s next.  (And it’s not like we’re going to ballet, soccer, and all the rest.  This is just — kids, it’s time to leave the schoolyard park because we need to pick up the farm share and get home to make dinner.)

And I miss seeing more of the best of Akiva.  I used to feel like as his mother I had the privilege of seeing both the best and the worst of him.  Now, because his time at home is so short and because he comes home tired, I feel like I am still seeing the worst of him but not as much of the best.  He, too, is stressed about not having as much time and leisure at home: he told me at Monkey Time tonight that he wanted to have some homeschool days, even though he loves JCDS.  I think what he means is that he wants more relaxed time with me.  There is just not enough time for us to go to the library and read, or listen to music together, or go to the park and play on the swings.

Today at the farm, we had a taste of that: there’s a wooden swing on a tree there, and the boys took turns swinging butterfly-style on my lap.  It was the highlight of my day.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I have a terrible lingering cold (2 weeks and counting), but then again I wonder if the cold is the cause or the effect.  Is my being sick making it hard for me to adjust to the fuller schedule, or is the fuller schedule making me sick?

I wonder how mothers with older (or more) children manage to stay close to their kids.  Do you get used to the rushing around, so that it becomes routine?  That seems like it can cut two ways: that the routine gets grooved so you can find more breathing space within it, or that the rushing around becomes the new groove.  The former I regard as tolerable; the latter not so much.


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