Long time, no me

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I haven’t been writing much at all lately.  I’m sort of feeling stuck with the writing, as with so many things.  I frequently have the feeling of treading water.  The days are busy and mainly good, but I scarcely have or take the time to crystallize my thoughts.  I brush three sets of teeth, run from one thing to another, pack the snack buckets, get people where they need to be mainly on time, wash the clothes, make soup for sick friends, wash dishes upon dishes upon dishes, hug and kiss the sweet boys.  I’m not saying it’s not a good life — far from it! — but it often feels too easy for my creative self to disappear into the background.

In general I am managing the day-to-day stuff pretty well (messy house aside).  But sometimes I feel like I’m not all here, like even when I am talking to adults and the kids are not needing my attention (it happens, rarely) I am just not fully present and relaxed.  I worry that my kids are going to grow up thinking that adults are these husks of humanity, bent only on task-completion and watch-consulting.  I worry that the adults I talk to can’t find or feel who I am because some core essence is missing in action.  I worry that this baseline stressiness is going to start feeling normal.  Maybe it already has.

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5 thoughts on “Long time, no me

  1. I’ve missed your writing! (No guilt!)

    I promise, I promise, things will ease up as G gets older. Really and truly. It’s hard to see it now, but they will. You’ll have more time to yourself, and more you as a result.

    When I look back a few years ago, when both B and T were home all day long, I wonder how I survived. But I did. You will, too.

  2. I recall feeling that way when my kids were little and the majority of my time was spent caring for them and playing with them. As they started having their own little lives, complete with school and playdates and outside activities, I found that I had more time to do the things that make me ME, like reading and working and such, and I began to feel more like ME too.

    • wonderboys

      Thanks, Ayala. I’m not always sure of that but right now it doesn’t seem to fit. When we were really down in the dumps about all the major changes, my therapist asked me the screening questions, and I flunked the test! 😉 I do think I’m not great at multitasking, and also not great at self-discipline. (Read: too much time on the computer, but not actually writing.)

  3. HmDean

    I know for a fact that my mom was extremely stressed when we were growing up — from her marriage to my dad, from the divorce, from going back to school and then working multiple jobs to support us. You know what I remember? Taco night. Playing with my model horses. Walking to the ice cream store. Most of what I know about the rest of it came from her, decades after the fact.

    Fear not, my friend; the blissfully self-absorbed nature of children has many, many purposes.

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